Tuesday, 11 May 2021

A New Year (How to get fucked in a club)

I’d gone to the club on my own, dressed in my Adidas chilie trackie bottoms, adidas sock tuckins and my current favourite sneakers, my black airmax plus on my feet.  I had a rubber jock and a harness underneath and a Gear Berlin “Locked” tshirt on top.  And yes, my dick was locked and had been since mid-October.  I was hoping for some hot action with some German Prolls.  I was not to be disappointed.

I checked my jacket and grabbed a fanta at the bar.  I got chatting to a couple of guys for a bit.  It was a non-dresscode night but because of the Socks n Sneaks events there were a good number of people in gear and lots of hot sneakers.  After being social for a bit, I decided to go downstairs to the darkrooms.

The staircase curved down, dimly lit by red lighting.  The first room had some padded seats, ideal for sniffing, and a cage.  Then going down a couple more steps there was a room to the left and some dark corridors and side rooms.  After a look around the corridor and siderooms I went into the lower left room.  There was a back area, a sports horse, some room to sit on one side and a concrete floor.  It was empty, but a lad came in wearing chilies and an Adidas top.

I made a move towards him and said “Wie ghets” but he didn’t bother replying.  We grouped each other’s trackies and then began snogging.  I felt his crotch and he was hard, so I dropped so my knees and gave his black Adidas sneakers a lick while he loosened his trackes.  I got his hard cock out, already tasting pre and started sucking and soon he had his hands on my head controlling the pace.

Soon there was a second guy next to us, in full black Adidas trackies.   He had a huge thick cock in his hands, almost the girth of a coke can.  I started wanking him off while I sucked the first guy and was soon forced down on his cock, alternating between the two of them.  Then the second guy got more dominant and forced me down further on his cock, making me gag and almost vomit a few times as I struggled to take him.  Then I had his sock in my face, while I kept wanking the other guy.  Then a sneaker kicking on my locked dick.

A third guy then came beside and I alternated sucking the three of them.  Then the room filled and I was sucking a room full of German Proll lads.  It was so fucking hot, literally like something out of a porn film but better.

Then one guy said he wanted to fuck me.  I pulled my trackies down and he pushed me over the sports horse.  He grabbed some lube and pushed in me raw, finding the harness under my t-shirt and grabbing me by it to fuck me hard.   His cock pounded my prostate and I couldn’t help but grunt and moan loudly as he fucked me.  It was almost too much but I was determined to get his load in me.  After a relentless fucking he shot his load in me.  I pulled up my trackies and went upstairs to get a drink, leaking his spunk from my hole.

I got chatting to some other lads upstairs and we had a glass of Champagne and counted the new year in.  Then after a while I went back downstairs to try and find some more action.  I don’t recall the exact order of events, but I got some.

The guy who had fucked before wanted to fuck me again, so I bent over a stool while he pounded me hard.  Then he decided he wanted me in a sling.  I took my trackies off and got my legs up.  He shoved in me raw and pounded me like an animal with me nearly screaming.  The position meant my prostate took the full brunt of it.  I was about to try and ask him to stop when I shot a load in my cage.  When he was done, another guy moved to try and fuck me, but after the anal orgasm I needed to recover!

I then got chatting to another guy who was into giving foot massages.  He gave my feet a working over a couple of times during the evening, massaging and then licking my feet.  At one point another guy put his stinking socks and airmax 90s in my face while my feet were getting worshiped and sucked.  I was audibly moaning in pleasure.

At another point I was helping tease an American lad who was also visiting, he was in footie kit.  He had socks in his face and I teased his dick with the soles of my vapormax – he’d not come across them before.

By the time it got to about 3am I’d had a great evening.  I probably could have carried on and maybe had some more fun, but I’ve learnt to quit while I am ahead and things are good.  So I grabbed my coat and headed back to the hotel and decompressed before tucking up.

I will most definitely be back to Koln.

Saturday, 31 October 2020

An Open Letter to Straight Doms of Gay Men

Hi there.

I’ve seen a lot of dangerous practises by straight Doms on social media and some very dubious use of language. So what you might say? You’re getting likes and followers, so the gays like it right?  BDSM is complex and there are dangers you could well be missing that put yourself and your sub at risk. I have tired calling things out and reporting dangerous videos but to no avail. So I write this to you as a conversation and I ask you to open your mind and consider what you are doing and why and reflect if it is healthy or appropriate. I will address this under a number of headings.

But first, who the hell am I to be talking to you and asking you to reflect on what you do? I’m a 37-year-old gay man in the UK who has been doing BDSM for some 20 years. I’ve travelled the UK and Europe doing BDSM and attending events and have led BDSM workshops in the UK. I still wouldn’t call myself an expert, but I’ve maybe been around the block a couple of times.  So please, listen to what I have to say, read further and reflect before you carry on using gay submissives.


The first point I want to discuss is homophobia. You may not be homophobic, I’d certainly hope not given you’re reading this.  But as a straight male you have power that gay men do not and you’ve not been through the experiences we have.  By Doming gay men you are playing with a psychological tinder box and if you think you want to continue doing it you need to reflect on why you want to Dom gay men and the impact on them. Is it for attention and likes, to gain just for fan followers, because they pay you to FinDom them? There is only one correct answer that you should be doing BDSM with gay men for, for mutual enjoyment. If there is any other reason you must stop.

Many of us have been bullied, harassed and even violently attacked for being gay. Part of the appeal of BDSM is being able to play in the shadows safely. But as a straight male you haven’t the experience we do. Do you really have the right to call us faggots, even in roleplay anymore than you would dare call someone black the N word?

But by doing BDSM and playing with theses shadows with gay men, you could trigger PSTD and flashbacks to abuse. Are you willing and actually able to support someone if this happens? Would you know to stop? How would you calm them down and support them? These are all questions you need to have answers too.  I know because I’ve played with someone who was abused, they didn’t tell me, fortunately I spotted the signs, you can read more about that here: http://blog.lordvulferam.uk/2017/03/playing-with-dark.html


Consent is a cornerstone of BDSM, most people have heard of safe, sane and consensual BDSM and most people have heard of a safework something like “red” or “pineapple” to be used when the submissive needs the Dom to stop.  However, the safeword is an absolute minimum that should be used and it doesn’t offer safey for the sub in all circumstances. Likewise a contract can be useful for discussing limits and agreeing protocols, but it is only valid at the point in time it is signed. BDSM is complex and dynamics and reactions change day to day and scene to scene.

However, sometimes a sub cannot safeword. Maybe they are high on endorphins from an intense scene, maybe something has gone wrong and triggered them to a bad place. If you only rely on the sub safewording and they cannot, you could be in a situation where you are assaulting a sub without consent and you could be subsequently reported and charged for it. You could also end up permanently hurting your sub mentally and/or physically.

As a Dom it is your job to protect your Sub, even if they cannot protect themselves. You need to decide when things are too much and stop, even if they are unable to. The responsibility is on you to check in and ensure that your sub can safeword (Do you remember your safeword? Is a good way of checking this).  You need to be proactive in looking for threats and problems and act ahead. I liken this to driving a runaway train while patting your head and rubbing your tummy.  Power over someone can be exhilarating and you can get caught up in the moment, but you need to make sure your sub is safe, you have consent and that they are enjoying it. If you are doing BDSM with a sub and not on top of all of this, you should not be doing it.


As a Dom you have responsibility for your subs safety, mentally and physically while they are playing with you.  Many in the BDSM scene spend a significant amount of time learning about the kinks they are into and how to do some safely.  With bondage as well as tying knots, there is knowledge of how to tie to avoid permanent nerve damage, how to get someone out of bondage quickly. With impact play there isn’t just hitting, beating and whipping but there is technique and practise to land blows, but to do so safely and to avoid sensitive parts of the body where organs can be damaged. I’ve seen videos of men getting kicked in appalling ways that could damage organs and cause concussion.  Ask yourself – would I be happy doing what I am doing to this man to a woman?  If not, you are going to far. If so, are you sure you are working at the right level and not being abusive.

If you have not been doing this type of learning then again, you are not experienced enough to be playing. Just because a sub wants it doesn’t mean you can do it safely and if something were to go wrong at your hands, you would be the one facing potential changes and jail if you had an injury or worse on your hands.


Some subs want to be treated rough and badly, there are many reasons for this, some stem back to low self-esteem because of homophobia.  Some say they have no limits. This is dangerous, if they can’t articulate limits or say they have none, sooner or later you will push them too far and they will find their limits and react violently or break down. Gay men in the BDSM scene know this and know the dangers to look out for, do you have the same experience?  Do you know not to drink when doing BDSM as it affects your ability to make judgement and look after your sub


If any or all of this has put you off, then good. There is a level of gravitas and responsibility that comes from doing BDSM that all too often seems to be missing from twitter, video clips online and just for fan sites, in favour of chasing popularity and likes.  There is far far more to being a Dom than being an “Alpha” male and calling men faggots and beating them up. If you have not considered and answered all of these points, it is not a case of if things go wrong – but when.  If you got this far and still think you as a straight man want to use gay men, please think again if it is appropriate for you to have gay men submit to you. If you wish to learn more about BDSM I highly recommend BDSM 101 by Jay Wiseman as a starting point.

If you wish to ask me questions I will do my best to try and answer and help, please contact me at @ItsADerpDrone on twitter.

Saturday, 27 June 2020

Chastity is tough

When I was a Dom I had no interest in chastity.  As I was vers (well, ok bottom really) it wasn’t in my interest to keep my pack or playmates locked.  With the pack I’d sometimes put them, and myself, on a cum ban the week before a big event like Full Fetish.  But I didn’t find chastity an attractive look and when I wanted to be full of cum, having people locked didn’t help there!

A couple of years ago now I started exploring subbing more.  The pack had gone their own ways (amicably I hasten to add) and it left me free to explore.  I’d already made a conscious effort when moving to Manchester to integrate kink better into my life, but I then had the opportunity to explore submission and see how things went.

As I started to get into subbing my Master mentioned the idea of being locked and we spoke about it a fair bit.  My interest piqued as a way for it to help explore my submission.  I had a chat with a Dom lad who was into chastity and we did a scene where I was locked, it was hot.  So, after locking for a few hours for a scene, I started to lock from a few hours then building up to a day at a time.

I already had a CB6000 device from when I had subbed a long time ago, so I tried that first.  It wasn’t very comfortable so I couldn’t manage for long, it tended to pinch and was a real faff to get on, so, on suggestion from friends I then tried on a few other devices.  First was a pink holy trainer knock off from House of Denial.  This became my go to cage, and somewhat appropriate for a locked little mare.  I also got a small metal cage from Wish, b e careful if you buy these cheap cages though, I had one lock where the key got stuck and broke off. Fortunately, I was testing it on the device before I put it on!  I’ve also seen problems with the cellmate Bluetooth device, the build quality has issues – some people have had them shear and others reported problems with the waterproofing.  There are also some concerns around the app.  I finally borrowed a real holy trainer for a while, which was much easier to get on with. 

As I settled into wearing the cage more I wanted to do longer periods locked.  One of the Sirs I play with kept me locked for three months, although I struggled to stay locked overnight, often waking at 3 or 4 am trying to get hard with a severe aching in my balls. I tried a few times to get past it, but it was difficult when I had work the next day, so I came to the conclusion that I needed to unlock overnight, so I’d lock in the morning after my shower before work.  Sometimes the reality is different to the fantasy and we need to adjust things to make it work in the real world and to fit around the other aspects of our lives.

After the three months locked I took a break.  I thought that I wanted to be locked longer, but I wanted to take some time before I made the decision.  Around Christmas time I decided that I’d try and lock for a year from 1st Jan 2019.

Again, I struggled with overnight and despite a few attempts I ended up unlocking overnight.  For the first part of the year I was very good with adhering to it, but as summer came my work stress increased and that combined with some issues with the devices I was using meant that I was spending less time locked.  Given I suffer with stress at the best of times, the additional load of not being locked properly was weighing on my mind.  I was frustrated that I couldn’t live up to the goal I’d set and I was finding the combined effect of it all difficult.  In the September I decided to quit the year locked and focus on getting myself in a better place stress wise.  It’s important to consider your mental health as well as your physical health.

Regarding physical health, there doesn’t seem to be any research into the long-term health implications of chastity.  It’s important to listen to your body, if you are aching then unlock.  Likewise if there is chafing or soreness unlock and wait until it has healed to try again.  I’ve discovered that shaving every day and using vitamin e oil seems to help my skin.  I’ve got very sensitive skin and can get dry and scaly skin after shaving if I don’t moisturise.  Regarding cleaning, I unlock and clean twice a day, once in the morning and again when I shower in the evening.  Some folks find cleaning in the shower while locked enough, but I err on the side of caution and ensuring  I’m clean with my sensitive skin.

Aside from the direct physical health issues there can be with chastity, there is the impact of being locked itself.  There have been studies on the link between masturbation and the risk of prostate cancer, some of which have suggested a link between masturbation and lower risk of prostate cancer – but there isn’t a definitive answer.  I asked Prostate Cancer Research if they could point me to any information and they sent me this link:  https://www.nhs.uk/news/cancer/frequent-ejaculation-may-decrease-prostate-cancer-risk/  It is worth noting that gay and bisexual men are not at more risk of prostate cancer: https://prostatecanceruk.org/prostate-information/living-with-prostate-cancer/gay-and-bisexual-men  It’s an issue I’m very aware of because both my father and uncle have prostate cancer.  If you notice any blood in your urine, please contact your doctor – even if it’s only the once – don’t ignore it.

Now I’m starting to try being locked again, and it’s going better. I’m in a Holy Trainer v4 Nano, which is definitely better made than the House of Denial cages.  I’ve been starting to build up the time wearing and have managed to do a few days and nights at a time now.  Between the regular cleaning, daily shaving and the vitamin e oil, I seem to be getting on with it better, and I’m hopeful that I can spend more time locked than unlocked before too long. I think with chastity it’s a case of trying things and finding what works for you.

Speaking of which, there’s a number of Doms who seem very keen to set and enforce rules for subs and many subs encourage the locking up of their peers. While a large part of the appeal of chastity is about giving up and loss of control, it’s important to do this to degrees you feel comfortable with, with people you feel comfortable with.  I often wonder how many of the chastity Doms on twitter have actually locked up themselves, not that many I suspect.  It is also important if you keep a sub locked that you check in on them and support them, as you may have gathered it can be tough going and without things to keep it interesting it can get boring and loose appeal.  Try having goals or rewards at which point the sub gets to cum (it could be from prostate or ruined, you don’t actually have to let them enjoy using their cock).  But leaving a sub locked long period from the result of a twitter lockup RT and not supporting them through it isn’t fun or healthy. Needless to say, be careful who you send your keys to and keep a spare or have a plan for if they don’t return them.

I think chastity can be tough, and the tendency for a mob mentality of “lock him up and throw away the key” can put pressure on people and make it seem less accessible as a kink. But as with all kinks, it’s /your/ kink, explore it in ways that are fun for you and healthy.

Sunday, 22 December 2019

Emotional Intelligence and BDSM

Emotional intelligence is the skill of recognising emotions in yourself and others and to use that knowledge and apply it to situations, maybe to communicate, negotiate or resolve conflict.  Emotional intelligence can be said to comprise of four components:  Self-management, the ability to manage your emotions and control impulsive behaviour and seize opportunities. Self-awareness is the ability to understand your own emotions and how they affect your own thoughts and behaviour, “knowing how you work” and then being able to actualise this into self-confidence. Social awareness, often referred to as empathy is the ability to recognise emotions in others and act accordingly, being aware of power dynamics in groups and picking up on emotional cues.  Relationship management is about being able to have productive relationships over time, inspiring and influencing others, working well in teams and managing conflict.

Much of the literature around emotional intelligence is focus around use at work or for personal development but clearly these skills are useful in BDSM as well.  Given how much I talk about the importance of communication and how we treat others, I think emotional intelligence is an underrated kink skill that needs to be spoken about more.

I will also add that I’m talking about emotional intelligence in a positive light, it is also very possible for people to use skills in negative ways and to encourage negative behaviour and to pressure and manipulate.  As ever, if someone makes you feel uncomfortable or is trying to make you do things you don’t want to (just this one, no one will know etc) then disengage and make sure you are safe.

So what kind of situations can we apply emotional intelligence to BDSM?  Well, as I’ve said, all of BDSM is about good communication, but it seems particularly important to be during the negotiation phase – when you are getting to know someone, work out what you are both into and what the limits are.  You may be talking to someone who has different expectations than you, they may want to meet right now and play immediately while you might be a planner.  This is an obvious different and may be a fast deal breaker, but if play now doesn’t work for you, you may be able to suggest a date and time that does.  But you might need to watch for other cues, maybe they are messaging because they are horny (or high and horny) so they may be a potential for ghosting.

There is also the discussion around the activities and what it is you both want to get up to.  Emotional intelligence can be applied here to help make sure you both get what you want, for example if you have something that you really want and it’s a deal breaker for a scene but the other isn’t that into it, you may be able to offer something the other person is into, so you both get what you want – give and take.

Likewise with gear it can be expensive and people can be hesitant about bringing gear and letting others use it until a few meets in, in some cases people may have emotional and personal attachments to gear and may not want to let you wear it or try it on at all, it’s important to be respectful of this.  But again, you may be able to get further by offering to share your gear and let them try some of your stuff rather than just asking to use theirs.  If you are just asking of the other person and not offering in return it may come across to them that you are more interested in their gear than playing with them.  If you want to play with someone’s gear and they refuse, be respectful of that, trying to pressure them or asking if they don’t trust you will only cause resentment and may result in them not wanting to play with you.

There may be a delay from your initial discussions and getting around to play, and this is where skills around relationship management can be helpful.  You may want to keep in touch with them and let them know you are still interested and looking forward to it, but try and do this without being overbearing.  Talking every day for example may be too much, but saying hello and checking if the date is still good and letting them know you are looking forward to it can be good.  They may also get in touch and if they do great, but make sure you make the effort to say hello first sometimes.  Keep it two way.  Sometimes people appreciate a message, and maybe a photo geared up, you might get a horny chat out of it too!  There may be times that aren’t good for people to chat, be mindful about when they work, or if they give cues that they are busy in which case let them be and try another time.

Another key place for emotional intelligence is during a scene.  I wrote before about how a sub reacted badly to a consensual beating and was unable to safeword.  I picked up on “something” changing and checked in and they couldn’t reply.  Look for body language (tight, close off, defensive, crossed arms), breathing and tone of voice as well as what they are saying to make sure they are ok and if you’re not convinced it’s better to break the scene and talk about it rather than push on.  I’d always rather break the atmosphere of a scene to check in with someone, rather than not check and have gone too far.  Especially if having them gagged, it’s ok to remove the gag while you ask they are ok, then shove it back in if all is well.

I’ve written before about post scene care in the context of looking after Doms, but the same things apply to subs.  Even if they don’t ask for it if someone has had an extreme session with a lot of endorphins they may need help coming down and want cuddles and contact.  Hard scenes can also even make people cry and again if you take someone that far you need to help put them back together.  Let them know that it’s ok, they can let it out and that you are there for them.  Caring for people is an essential part of BDSM.

Then there’s the off days and the days it doesn’t work.  If someone ghosts I’m unlikely to give them another chance, if they cancel and let me know and I don’t know them, I’ll give them another chance to rearrange, we all know what life can be like and responsibilities and stress can get in the way.  Sometimes with regularly playmates if they’ve had a rough day they may not feel it and in that situation I’ll offer to do something else instead, go for a drink and hang out or grab some food somewhere.  Again, this is relationship management at work.  We’re friends too, today didn’t work but we’re both happy to play the long game and try again another time!

Hopefully this helps gives some insight to how you can apply emotional intelligence to BDSM, a lot of it is common sense, but a bit of thought in how you communicate with people and how you respond do them can go a long way in helping have good relationships with kinksters and help you get the most out of your sessions.

Saturday, 16 November 2019

Hard Scenes and Aftercare for Doms

Last month I did a hostage scene with a sub friend who I’ve known for a long time.  Someone asked what it was like and I described it like:

“Driving a high-speed train, keeping it on the rails while patting your head and rubbing your tummy”

The scene had a fun shock component to it and incorporated a few harder aspects of play, pain, psychological torture and water boarding.  Suffice to say that there was negotiation and a safe word in place but the sub didn’t know everything that was going to happen. 

In a scene of this nature, for the Dom there is a lot to manage.  I’d scoped out the venue beforehand and placed gear ahead of time in handy locations where I would need it and reminded myself of physical hazards.  I’d also warned people who would be around (it was at a play party) what was going on so to give them opportunity to stay out the way if anything was too much for them. 

But to go back to my description of the train, there is a lot for a Dom to manage in this type of scene: 

  • As I’ve already said, the physical environment and physical hazards
  • Gear and safety of the gear involved, any bondage and movement restriction etc
  • Planning and looking ahead for new hazards and heading them off
  • Managing the headspace of the sub and making they are having fun and OK
  • Managing your headspace (the Dom) and making sure you are in the right place and not going too far

You can get the idea that while such scenes can be very fun, they can also be exhausting, physically and mentally.

In fact, with this scene it was me that ended it.  We’d got through the activities I’d had planned, and 4 litres of piss for waterboarding and the sub was in an obstinate headspace.  I’d been keeping a lid of my headspace and balancing holding back on the waterboarding so it was fun rather than over the top.  However, the subs obstinance was making me want to push and get the answer I wanted from the interrogation (his safeword).  Given that I’d run out of planned activity and being aware of my headspace, I decided to end the scene rather the push on.  I felt there was a risk of me going too far if I continued.

The sub went and got cleaned up, I re-joined the party and after a break had another fisting session.  But the scene played on my mind for a few days, I was glad I’d ended the scene when I did but that headspace I was in concerned me.  As much as fun playing with dark sides in kink can be, it can be difficult when we are confronted with our shadow selves and just how far we can go.

This leads me to aftercare for Doms.  There is plenty of writing about aftercare for subs and looking after them after intense play, them needing time to come down from endorphins, making sure they are warm, hydrated and that hot drinks, snacks and cuddles are all good things to help.  But how do you know a Dom needs aftercare and what do you do?  Things to look for include:

  • Seeming quiet, distant or thoughtful or withdrawn
  • Tight or insular body language, arms crossed, huddled up, or facing away or blocking
  • Taking time to return from dominant headspace, still being demanding or aggressive out of scene

As a sub, if you spot these kinds of signs you may need to accelerate your own come down and pull yourself together to look after your Dom.  Make sure you are hydrated and warm then tackle helping them. 

First, sort the physical. Get them to a spot where they can be comfortable, preferably away from where you were playing.  Make sure they are warm, comfortable and likewise hydrated and fed.  Their blood sugar may be low too after a long scene so a tea with sugar or a sweet fizzy drink may help along with something light to eat.

If they are struggling to come back from a dominant headspace make sure you use their real name and talk to them as a person (within the confines of your relationship with them).  If it’s appropriate it’s better to call them their name rather than Sir or whatever term they identify with when Doming.  I often tell people if I’m doing a harder scene that if they need me address me and talk to John, not to Vulf. Names and language matters!

Then provide reassurance, if you enjoyed the scene, tell them that.  They may be worrying about that and feeling concerned or guilty about what they have done.  Provide physical assurance as well as this, they may want hugs and to cuddle and to feel small, maybe a blanket to wrap up with.  At this time, it may be a good opportunity to apply some gentle music (don’t carry on with whatever music you were playing to) or to watch something light on TV/Netflix.  Keep offering snacks and drinks at regular intervals – without it being often enough to be pestering.  Maybe offer to run them a bath or fix them a shower.

When they are more together and can be left, offer to clean up from the scene so they don’t have to do the work.  This helps them out but also saves them physically reengaging with the scene that they have just started to leave behind and process.

Then later that day or the next day if you played in the evening, check in on them.  Ask if they enjoyed the scene and if they are doing ok, give them opportunity if there is anything they want to talk through.  Keep in touch and check in for up to a couple of weeks after, don't just vanish after a scene. 

Being a Dom can be hard work and hard scenes can take a lot out of you.  Please look after your Dominant!

Wednesday, 30 October 2019

Mercurial Limits

I’ve noticed that when people discuss limits in BDSM they tend to come across as being something fixed and static.  Some websites allow you to create yes/no/maybe lists and often people have what they are into and hard limits on profiles on sites such as Recon.  It’s occurred to me recently that this is too simplistic and actually limits are more fluid and changeable.

When I started out in kink I had very firm things that were hard limits and were not up for discussion.  Things like fisting and scat were definitely off the menu to me, they were too extreme and I didn’t want to go there.  However, as I did more kink and started playing more, my limits shifted.  As I got more into being a pig, I got curious about scat and wanted to try it, and now it’s something I enjoy.  Likewise, I started watching videos of fisting and wanted to try it and experience what all those deep moans were about.  It’s natural for limits to change over time as your experience increases, but it’s worth keeping a check on things to make sure that in the cold light of day you’re happy with that.  For example, bareback is now much more open and being talked about, if you’re barebacking make sure it’s because you want to, rather than just because “everyone” else is doing it.

Limits can also change with the people you are playing with.  When I meet someone new, we’ll discuss what things we’re into and what’s on and off the menu and limits.  But for the first few sessions I’ll very deliberately keep things simple and not throw the kitchen sink at a scene.  Yes, you might be horny and want everything, but it’s far better tactic to keep a few session simple and build up rather than to do everything and end up safe wording and then have to have a discussion and if it goes wrong maybe loose a good playmate.  As a Dom, I’d much rather build up scenes and take someone to a place at a slower place, together even if that takes longer.  When subbing, I’m very fussy about who I sub to and I want to make sure that they “get it” in terms of safety and how to manage a scene and my headspace. So, it’s ok to start simple.  It’s also ok just to have different limits with different people, maybe one person is good at X but you don’t rate them at Y.  For those of us into many things, it’s natural to have different playmates into different areas and for some things to be off the menu with different people.

More than this, limits can also change day to day or week to week because of stuff going on internally with you.  Maybe work has been stressful and a session with lots of verbal isn’t ok today.  Maybe work stress means actually getting tied down and made “helpless” is way up the list.  The stuff you’re into can ebb and flow, and it doesn’t even need a reason.  What you want to do in a session is always a conversation and discussion and it’s important you speak up if for whatever reason there is something you don’t want to do, even if it’s usually on the menu.  Likewise, even as the subbiest sub if there is something you do particular want – ask for it!  Personally, when I’m Domming I hate it when people start exhibiting bratty behaviour to try and get something.  I’m more than happy to terrible things to you, but ask, don’t’ try and push me into it, I’ll just disengage.  An angry frustrated Dom isn’t a safe scene.

So please, don’t view limits as something fixed.  They are much more fluid than most of the discussion around them suggests and it’s ok for them not to be rational and to ebb and flow.  But if someone is trying to push you and it’s something you don’t want to do and aren’t comfortable with then say no and if need be walk away from playing with them.  Don’t be pressured or manipulated into something you don’t want to do.  Your time is precious and giving people your kinks as a Dom or a sub is a gift to someone that should be treasured and respected.

Friday, 18 October 2019


Crystal meth (methamphetamine) photo credit The New York Times

Chemsex used to be something that was fairly rare - I knew about it, but messages asking for it or offering chems were few and far between.  But over recent years it’s become far more prevalent.  On Grindr, people are very open about offering chems and dealing. Particularly, I’ve seen an increase in people coming across meth.  This begs the question; how do we look after our friends and ourselves?

It’s important to note, I’m not a health expert of any kind; these are just small practical things I’ve gleaned from people – this is not a substitute for advice from experts, and I can take no responsibility for the suggestions here. You do things at your own risk. 

If you are using chems, even if it’s just been the once, please talk to your local clinic and get some advice and support - most can refer you to specialist services.  If someone is unconscious or unresponsive having used chems, please call 999 immediately.  You may have concerns about the police getting involved, but it’s far more important that person gets treatment and their life saved!

If you’re about to do meth, slamming it (injecting) is the riskiest way to take it and has a harder comedown.  Smoking it is somewhat less harmful as is booty bumping (putting up your ass).  Consider how you do it, as well as the drug you’re taking when thinking about risk.
Make sure you don’t mix meth with other drugs or with alcohol, if things go wrong it’s much more difficult to treat with more substances in your body.  In particular – make sure you don’t take caffeine in any form, it increases the effect of it in the body and is really dangerous – avoid all caffeine while you’re wired. 

So, you’ve taken meth?  Now what, you’re probably feeling something pretty amazing I guess, really horny.  If you are at someone else’s place, make sure you get home safely, get an Uber or registered taxi rather than public transport and certainly don’t try and drive.  Ideally set a time with a friend to check in so someone can make sure you get back home safe.

But the comedown is rough with meth.  You’ll find you won’t be able to sleep for a few days, it’s important you do rest otherwise you are liable to just crash out exhausted and may collapse or go unconscious.  Take it easy, lie in a dark room, maybe with some gentle music on.  Not being able to sleep can be very unsettling in itself, it will pass and you will get some rest, but it might take a while. 

As you come down, you’ll find you have no appetite and may not want to eat.  Given that this again, can last a while, try drinking some protein shakes (ones with extra vitamins in are good) to make sure you are getting something in you, maybe try snacking on fruit.  Stay hydrated - watch the colour of your piss to keep an eye on this. 

Particularly if you’ve slammed, you may find the come down harsh and may experience paranoia.  This can be very frightening; it may be feelings of being watched or followed, being judged, or may even be physical sensations.  Find a friend you can trust and talk to them about it, if you can get them to come and sit with you and try and make you comfortable - again gentle music, a blanket, maybe watching something very easy going on Netflix.  Don’t watch anything with action or drama, as that can make things worse. 

As you come down and feel more normal you may experience other feelings, such as guilt, or regret. Worrying about what you have done, especially regarding sexual health.  If you take PrEP, make sure you keep taking it.  If you think you have missed doses, or don’t know what has happened, get to a clinic or Accident and Emergency as soon as you can.  You have a 72-hour window after having unprotected sex to get PEP. 

Even with PrEP it’s important to get to a clinic and get a check up as other STIs are easily passed around and if you have injected meth there is risk of Hepatis C if needles were shared and precautions were not taken for safe disposal.

Unfortunately, it does also happen that people get raped while on meth and having chemsex, as your ability to consent may have been reduced, and you may have done things you would not normally.  You may have put yourself in a situation by taking chems, but that does not mean it’s ok for people to push you or take advantage.  Talk to your local clinic, who will be able to refer you to specialist services and support, reach out to friends and people you can trust.

I think we need to change the message about drugs.  Saying don’t do it and they are bad and stigmatising it isn’t stopping the problem.  We need to talk about it and focus on harm reduction and keeping people safe.  Please talk to people and don’t be alone.