Sunday, 26 March 2017

Who are ya?

Artwork by SpacePupSilver


When I was much younger, I used to sing in a Church choir and go to Church every Sunday.  (Yes, for those of you who know me as Vulferam, as a Demon and “Satanist” you’re probably wondering how I got from A to B.  That’s another story).  Needless to say, I sat through my fair share of sermons.

One in particular has come to have a different and stronger meaning for me than I think the Vicar intended.  The sermon was trying to explain how God can be God the Father, God the Son and the Holy Ghost.  He drew the comparison that someone could be a son, and a brother and a nephew.  We can be different things to different people and have different identities.

There are powerful archetypes in BDSM, the all-powerful infallible Dom dressed in full leather, boots and a Muir cap.  The submissive, helpless, gimped up in head to toe in full rubber, collared, kneeling and waiting to be used.  These archetypes from the history of BDSM are imprinted on us and still drive many of our fantasies.  However, in much literature and porn these archetypes are considered mutually exclusive.

So what am I getting at?  We are already used to managing identities, we may manage our “real-life” identity and hide aspects of our kinky selves at work and with family.  On the kink scene we may emphasise the sleazy aspects of ourselves that we have to hide the rest of the time.  We show different people different aspects of our personalities.  Much as in the sermon, we are different things to different people.  But kink gives us a further opportunity.  We can play with different identities and headspaces, using them to explore different facets of ourselves and to have heaps of fun.  Why be just a slave bottom when you could also be pup, a puss, a drone, a Handler or a Dom?  I do realise that people may have a strong affinity to a single headspace and identity, and that’s great too!  But don’t let the archetypes of kink constrain you.  Be free to explore!

For me, I started out as a sub, 100% bottom. Though I will admit I was a pushy bottom of the worst order.  But then as I started playing more I discovered I enjoyed fucking and started to top.  More than that I discovered a dominant aspect and some darker sides to me and that is when I adopted the Demon identity, Vulferam.  I always knew I was kinky but playing further made me realise the depth of my piginess, so I also identity as a pig and will play versatile in sessions.  More recently I discovered the pup in me, named by my Handler as Piston (because I’m a filthy fist pup keen on Piston FF).  So now I have three main identities: Human me, Vulferam and Piston.  I have others that I’ve played with over the years, I’ve been a drone, a sewer pig, a slave and probably more.  But I primarily identify as Vulferam and as a Dom pig.  I usually tell people to address the me they want, but if you’re in doubt Sir is a good bet.  Not Master though, that’s reserved for someone who formally owns you!

However, things can be more complex.  Piston has different aspects, to other pups and Handlers I am very dominant and will not submit.  A very cute pup was playing at a social event, he went for some pressure points on me, and instead of feeling the pain I snarled at him and didn’t give in.  Be warned, Piston is not a subby puppy!  For my Handler, however I roll over for and obey completely.  I trust him with a headspace that I do not let others into.  This gives rise to an unusual setup for the pack.  To Storm I am both his Boss and his pup.  To Rook and Shadow I am their Boss and Handler and to Rook I am also an Alpha pup as Piston.  I am different things to different people.  It’s great fun!

But if we are exploring our headspaces we need to be aware of others too.  They may be new to exploring a headspace, or their headspace may be exposing more vulnerable aspects of their personality.   We need to respect that and listen and look for how to handle that person.  Ask them what works for them to get them into the headspace they want to go.  For pups maybe getting geared up helps, a particular toy, scritches or being given treats.  For pigs maybe verbal abuse and sleazy play will help take them down to their piggy space.  But watch for body language and verbal clues too and watch for changes in those that may indicate that things aren’t working for them, and check in with them.

As much as caring for people’s headspaces at events and in scenes, I believe we also need to be careful how we talk about other’s headspaces.  It’s their headspace and may well be very important and personal to them.  You don’t get to judge their headspace or their identity.  I’ve seen a profile where someone states that if you’re over 30 you’re a dog not a pup.  Such sweeping comments are ill thought out and unhelpful.  I encourage you to act with sensitivity and compassion when talking to others about their headspaces and when playing with them in that headspace.

Headspaces can also take people into very deep places or even where they zone out totally.  It can be disconcerting if you are not used to seeing this.  It is also difficult to describe, but as a pup my only concern is the moment and pleasing my Handler.  Combine this with an activity such as fisting and my head goes quiet and I zone out and I’m howling for more.  Sometimes when getting fisted I go to a place that is all dark.  Others describe places of light and others see even more vivid things.  But after such play I can be physically and mentally tired.  Allow the person time to come back.  There can often be feelings of not wanting to let go of that headspace and it can be almost sad to come back to being human.  Give hugs and physical contact and look after the basics such as hydration and making sure there are snacks available.

So go, be explorers of yourselves!  Give yourself permission to find the different identities in you and in doing so have fun and allow yourself to be more whole.  And be more dog, pig, cat, slave, drone, Sir, Football Coach or whatever else you like!

Wednesday, 15 March 2017

Playing with the Dark

The dark and the shadows is what appeals to many of us as Doms and creates much of the allure and fantasy of BDSM.  Fantasies of rape and bullying are a subtext to many SM fantasies and porn.  Much attention goes on the protection of subs, and rightly so.  Safe, sane and consensual is the cornerstone of kink and what protects us from crossing the line into abuse and unhealthy territory.  But what of the protection of Doms?  As people playing with these boundaries it is important we take our physical and emotional health as seriously as we do our subs.  We need to be in a fit state to protect them.  Playing in the shadows and with the bad versions of ourselves can throw up emotions we don’t expect and make us realise we are capable of doing terrible things.   Our instinct and the boundaries provided by safe, sane and consensual kink are the tools for protecting ourselves and therefore our subs. I have two stories to put this into context.

The first was a session where I was playing with a sub I’d known for a while and we had a couple of successful sessions together.  When talking to arrange our next session he asked me to go harder on him.  He wanted to be kicked, beaten, and hurt.  He was confident he could take it and I was happy to deliver it.   We had agreed a safeword.

The session came and I got geared up in the room, bleachers and shiny black DMs, I had a zero crop either side of my mohawk.  I looked and felt the part.  I got him on his knees and then set to work, giving him verbal abuse and started roughing him up then giving him a kicking with my boots.  But I felt something change.  I stopped immediately and asked him if I remembered his safeword.  He didn’t reply, he couldn’t answer me but instead crawled off into the bathroom and started sobbing.

I got down to his level and said it was me and I was here and it was going to be ok and asked him to talk to me and tell me what was going on.   After a lot of calming down it transpired that he had been abused in the past and I had triggered him into a place where it was no longer a session with me but a relapse of his previous abuse.  I put my arm around him and we talked.  I made him tea and gave him room to talk about what had happened.  After some time he decided he wanted me to fuck him and we hugged afterwards.

That session could have gone very differently.  If I had carried on kicking him and gone further and he had been unable to safeword I would have been assaulting him.  I would have had to live with the damage I had done to him and to myself as the result and possibly criminal action against me.  Who knows?

But the boundaries of safe, sane and consensual protected me.  I felt something was wrong, so I checked I had consent.  Remember that consent can be withdrawn at anytime.  I didn’t get the reply I needed confirming he knew his safeword.  So I stopped. Still, I learnt from the experience.  Not only do I now check subs for health issues, I ask about mental health issues, abuse, and I probe further: “what are you not telling me?”.  It’s not a sexy premeet conversation but it makes sure you have the information you need to protect a sub for a session and they get the reassurance that you are taking their wellbeing seriously.  I would strongly recommend having this conversation before playing with a new sub, and if going into new territory with existing playmates.  

The second story is a friend, no really, I would say if it was me.  He was with a sub he had met for the first time that evening at a party. At the end of the party they were bedding down together.  After some teasing and playing they began fucking, the sub said he was getting a bit sore and they stopped. They returned to playing and teasing some more and then discussion turned that my friend could resume fucking the sub.  This happened several times. During their teasing, the sub alluded to the idea of ''carrying on even when I say no'.  When they resumed fucking another time, and the sub complained of being sore, my friend acted. A consensual non-consent session had started – although it had not been strongly discussed.  My friend held the subs arms up above his head tightly and when he complained he covered his mouth with his hand and carried on fucking him. The subs initial response encouraged my friend, but at some point he felt a change in body language. He stopped, took away his hand and checked with the sub to see if he had enough.  The sub, after a long pause said yes he had and my friend withdrew.  But the thought of what had happened hit my friend.

If he had carried on fucking and cum, even for just a short time, consent may well have not been present and the boundary crossed.   The danger of this session was the lack of discussion and the lack of an agreed safeword.   But my friend did the right thing by checking and that protected him and the sub.

This leads on to the fallout from sessions.  Emotions don’t always surface or leave as soon as a session ends.  Subs frequently experience “Sub Drop” when the endorphins from a session wear off, maybe when they are back home along and coming down from the excitement and missing the contact with their Dom.  As I Dom I have a similar feeling, I miss my pups and pigs after playing with them.  They are a huge part of my life and I have to go back home and to being a “normal” human being.  But playing with the dark can have a bigger impact, it can stir emotions and fears that we may not expect.  It is natural for that to happen and it’s not a bad thing to process them and reflect on what we have done.  Have people you can talk to.  It’s good and healthy to talk to your sub about these feelings and get reassurance from them.  I am convinced that the idea of a perfect, infallible Dom is not a healthy one.  Though hot for a scene, it is not maintainable in the real world.

Let the boundaries provided by safe, sane and consensual kink keep you safe and from crossing lines that should not be crossed.   If there is any doubt at all in your mind, and indeed maybe when there isn’t, check in with your sub and check that you still have their consent to continue.   Because with consent in place you can visit some wonderfully dark and disturbing places that can set you free.

Saturday, 11 March 2017

Welcome

Some of you reading this may know me from Twitter (@LordVulferam) maybe others from Recon (hornypigdog) or maybe you just stumbled here via other means.  Regardless.  Welcome!  This blog is a place for me to put some of my articles and thoughts about kink.  Some serious, some less so.  There is a caveat – I claim no authority and do not claim to do kink “the right way”.  I am writing from my experience and perspective, hoping that I can share and offer something.  Take from it what you will, and make your own decisions.