Sunday, 22 October 2017
It took me a long time to accept that I was gay. I suppose I first started realising when I was around 13. I didn’t really get to grips with it until I was about 16 after some off and on fooling around with a friend who was in the army cadets. Even at this point uniforms and kink was an interest.
During this time I did not accept that I was gay. I used to sit opposite the stained glass window of Mary at the local Church every Sunday and I prayed not to be. But despite my efforts I always ended up looking at or thinking about guys again. It took another two years until I got to grips with it, coming to the conclusion that if all the praying didn’t make a difference it wasn’t going to change. I also read up on the bible and came to the conclusion that it didn’t actually have a problem with homosexuality. Go read the story of Jonathan and David if you don’t know it. Somewhat ironically these days I’m probably more well read on the Bible than most Christians.
By around the age of 18 I had finally accepted my sexuality and I came out to my parents the weekend before heading back to boarding school. I genuinely thought they may kick me out. But they were supportive, if somewhat shocked, and our relationship has improved with the years. I then slowly started coming out to a few people at school but was very quickly outed. With no way back from the situation I became the first person to be out at my school and got a lot of stick for it. No physical violence or anything, but it was very hard work. I even arranged a meeting with the Headmaster to discuss the situation, but he told me I couldn’t be sure that I was gay and that nothing in the school needed to be change.
This somewhat fuelled a fire and I ended up campaigning for the rights of LGBT young people nationally. While I was involved in campaigning the issue of gay marriage started coming up in Church. While I no longer went to the Church of my youth, my parents did and got into some heated debates. The local vicar asked if I would consider writing something for the Parish Magazine, and so I ended up writing about my experiences which were printed. Shortly after I returned to Church as I felt I needed to validate my words with actually being there. I was made very welcome and the heat dissipated from the issue. My honest account of the pain I had coming to grips with it changed people’s perspective. In later years my long-term partner and I even attended a Christmas service together there.
A lot has changed since my youth. Section 28 (which prevented state schools from teaching about homosexuality) was repealed, the age of consent equalised, civil partnerships were introduced and then later gay marriage. Meanwhile treatments for HIV have improved as has education and awareness and PrEP and PEP give us the tools to turn the tide on rising infections and indeed are starting to. There is no reason for young people today to grow up with the fears I had.
My path to accepting my sexuality was long and painful. I realise now I had depression and I used to work it out by dragging myself and friends on 30 mile bike rides on Sundays. There were times I contemplated suicide and made a couple of lame attempts to drown myself. I think once you have seriously thought about suicide or attempted it, it stays with you and when times are dark it can lurk up again. I had a second encounter with depression while at University, this time I got help and it was diagnosed as such. I was on Prozac for a time and had cognitive behavioural therapy, which in the long run has made me more resilient. Now a lot of the time I am able to manage myself better and deal with the bumps before they become serious downs. If you have depression or think you might have don’t leave it, get help and talk to people.
As I mentioned, I read around religion and I also read studies on sexuality. Eventually I managed to counter my internal homophobia. It angers me when I see slogans like “God hates fags”. Such things are not said by Christians, they are said by people who don’t really know the Bible and who are using religion as a façade for hate. The same is said of pseudo-science around statics of LGBT people being prevalent child abusers as such. These falsehoods were disproved by the American Psychological association in the late 1990s. It took time and lots of reading and internal struggling, the acceptance of myself was hard fought.
In my late teens and early twenties I was looking for relationships, and as I think is common, I fell for people hard and fast, which is not really they were looking for. I was besotted with my first boyfriend Kevin who I met at London pride when I was 18, but in hindsight I was far too intense. Elsewhere casual hook-ups that I wanted to go places didn’t. The ups and downs were hard and fast, but such is young love.
As I got older and started to explore my sexuality more my kinks became more apparent. I accepted I was into military gear, leather, then rubber. Slowly the list started increasing although most was solo play. Eventually as I started playing with others I got into more but it was slow and intermittent.
Even with partners, I’ve had two long term, first of four years and the second of eleven years, they weren’t really kinky so while we tried things the kink tended to crash and burn and I ended up playing elsewhere for the kinks, which kept getting kinker. As I got into piss and such I came to realise that I was a pig and used the term with pride. Things that were limits over time dirifted into being intriguing and then on the to do list. However, with the play being so spaced out and lacking friends in that area the acceptance took time and I didn’t know the depth of my piginess.
Eventually I did a scat scene with a guy and he fed me. After that I knew I was filthy and started using such words with pride. Sometime later I ended up in a club in a sling taking any load – I was on PrEP I hasten to add - and at this point I knew I was happy going this far. Although I enjoy bareback sex I think it’s important not to force it on others, and I certainly condemn practises such as stealthing.
I’ve been questioned on why I call myself “filthy” and “disgusting” – for me I see that I very much am, but I am happy to use these terms to describe myself and others in a positive way, owning our fetishes. It is very much not a source of shame. And so, I came to accept my kinks and I now try to encourage others to be positive about owning their kinks. This is why you’ll occasionally see me out in brown rubber at events!
The final aspect that plays in and out of this is religion. I already mentioned how I came to accept Christianity and my sexuality. Although as I got older it didn’t really feel like it sat right. After my gap year and two weeks trekking in Nepal I felt that Buddhism may have something more to offer and I started down that path. I began meditation and became vegetarian. I did a second trip back to Nepal and went mountaineering attempting to climb a 6000m mountain. I certainly feel very at home in the remote mountains out there and find a peace there that I find difficult to obtain elsewhere.
Later, when settled with a long-term partner we suffered a series of cruel events. A back injury resulted him loosing his job, a problem with a tax return meant a repayment and a massive fine at a time that financially hurt us the most. Every turn resulted in more problems and more expense. The idealism of my youth was burnt away and having to support and be strong for two of us I became more selfish and insular. Buddhism no longer offered me solace in a world that was so chaotic and cruel. I began to embrace the dark.
Although I use a lot of imagery from the stereotypical view of Satanism, my view, shaped from my reading and experience is more nuanced. I very much view “Satan” as the ruler of Earth and the Underworld and yes sometimes as a chaotic and spiteful force but also as a source of strength. If you embrace chaos and change it can be a very positive thing. I more view Satan and the Demons identified by the Bible and Keys of Soloman as the original spirits of our land, who have been distorted and misframed by Christianity in its assertion for control and power over people. I have made commitments to Satan and very much consider part of myself as Demon and hope that when my time comes I will be able to take my – small – place with my Demon counterparts. Sometimes the darker elements do cross into my sex and sexuality, but it isn’t something I enter into with people lightly. For sure it’s not a pre-requisite for sex, in fact I can count on one hand the number of people that have actually encountered the Demon Vulferam. Some people see odd glimpses. But that said, there are the small few who worship Vulferam and in in such moments, the Demon is at peace, happy with his place in the order of things.