Last month I did a hostage scene with a sub friend who I’ve
known for a long time. Someone asked what
it was like and I described it like:
“Driving a high-speed train, keeping it on the rails while patting your head and rubbing
your tummy”
The scene had a fun shock component to it and incorporated a
few harder aspects of play, pain, psychological torture and water
boarding. Suffice to say that there was
negotiation and a safe word in place but the sub didn’t know everything that
was going to happen.
In a scene of this nature, for the Dom there is a lot to
manage. I’d scoped out the venue
beforehand and placed gear ahead of time in handy locations where I would need
it and reminded myself of physical hazards.
I’d also warned people who would be around (it was at a play party) what
was going on so to give them opportunity to stay out the way if anything was
too much for them.
But to go back to my description of the train, there is a
lot for a Dom to manage in this type of scene:
- As I’ve already said, the physical environment and physical hazards
- Gear and safety of the gear involved, any bondage and movement restriction etc
- Planning and looking ahead for new hazards and heading them off
- Managing the headspace of the sub and making they are having fun and OK
- Managing your headspace (the Dom) and making sure you are in the right place and not going too far
You can get the idea that while such scenes can be very fun,
they can also be exhausting, physically and mentally.
In fact, with this scene it was me that ended it. We’d got through the activities I’d had
planned, and 4 litres of piss for waterboarding and the sub was in an obstinate
headspace. I’d been keeping a lid of my
headspace and balancing holding back on the waterboarding so it was fun rather
than over the top. However, the subs obstinance
was making me want to push and get the answer I wanted from the interrogation
(his safeword). Given that I’d run out
of planned activity and being aware of my headspace, I decided to end the scene
rather the push on. I felt there was a
risk of me going too far if I continued.
The sub went and got cleaned up, I re-joined the party and
after a break had another fisting session.
But the scene played on my mind for a few days, I was glad I’d ended the
scene when I did but that headspace I was in concerned me. As much as fun playing with dark sides in
kink can be, it can be difficult when we are confronted with our shadow selves
and just how far we can go.
This leads me to aftercare for Doms. There is plenty of writing about aftercare for
subs and looking after them after intense play, them needing time to come down
from endorphins, making sure they are warm, hydrated and that hot drinks, snacks
and cuddles are all good things to help.
But how do you know a Dom needs aftercare and what do you do? Things to look for include:
- Seeming quiet, distant or thoughtful or withdrawn
- Tight or insular body language, arms crossed, huddled up, or facing away or blocking
- Taking time to return from dominant headspace, still being demanding or aggressive out of scene
As a sub, if you spot these kinds of signs you may need to
accelerate your own come down and pull yourself together to look after your
Dom. Make sure you are hydrated and warm
then tackle helping them.
First, sort the physical. Get them to a spot where they can
be comfortable, preferably away from where you were playing. Make sure they are warm, comfortable and
likewise hydrated and fed. Their blood
sugar may be low too after a long scene so a tea with sugar or a sweet fizzy
drink may help along with something light to eat.
If they are struggling to come back from a dominant headspace
make sure you use their real name and talk to them as a person (within the
confines of your relationship with them).
If it’s appropriate it’s better to call them their name rather than Sir or
whatever term they identify with when Doming.
I often tell people if I’m doing a harder scene that if they need me
address me and talk to John, not to Vulf. Names and language matters!
Then provide reassurance, if you enjoyed the scene, tell them
that. They may be worrying about that
and feeling concerned or guilty about what they have done. Provide physical assurance as well as this,
they may want hugs and to cuddle and to feel small, maybe a blanket to wrap up
with. At this time, it may be a good opportunity
to apply some gentle music (don’t carry on with whatever music you were playing
to) or to watch something light on TV/Netflix.
Keep offering snacks and drinks at regular intervals – without it being
often enough to be pestering. Maybe
offer to run them a bath or fix them a shower.
When they are more together and can be left, offer to clean
up from the scene so they don’t have to do the work. This helps them out but also saves them
physically reengaging with the scene that they have just started to leave
behind and process.
Then later that day or the next day if you played in the
evening, check in on them. Ask if they
enjoyed the scene and if they are doing ok, give them opportunity if there is
anything they want to talk through. Keep in touch and check in for up to a couple of weeks after, don't just vanish after a scene.
Being a Dom can be hard work and hard scenes can take a lot
out of you. Please look after your
Dominant!
