Saturday, 31 October 2020

An Open Letter to Straight Doms of Gay Men

Hi there.

I’ve seen a lot of dangerous practises by straight Doms on social media and some very dubious use of language. So what you might say? You’re getting likes and followers, so the gays like it right?  BDSM is complex and there are dangers you could well be missing that put yourself and your sub at risk. I have tired calling things out and reporting dangerous videos but to no avail. So I write this to you as a conversation and I ask you to open your mind and consider what you are doing and why and reflect if it is healthy or appropriate. I will address this under a number of headings.

But first, who the hell am I to be talking to you and asking you to reflect on what you do? I’m a 37-year-old gay man in the UK who has been doing BDSM for some 20 years. I’ve travelled the UK and Europe doing BDSM and attending events and have led BDSM workshops in the UK. I still wouldn’t call myself an expert, but I’ve maybe been around the block a couple of times.  So please, listen to what I have to say, read further and reflect before you carry on using gay submissives.


Homophobia

The first point I want to discuss is homophobia. You may not be homophobic, I’d certainly hope not given you’re reading this.  But as a straight male you have power that gay men do not and you’ve not been through the experiences we have.  By Doming gay men you are playing with a psychological tinder box and if you think you want to continue doing it you need to reflect on why you want to Dom gay men and the impact on them. Is it for attention and likes, to gain just for fan followers, because they pay you to FinDom them? There is only one correct answer that you should be doing BDSM with gay men for, for mutual enjoyment. If there is any other reason you must stop.

Many of us have been bullied, harassed and even violently attacked for being gay. Part of the appeal of BDSM is being able to play in the shadows safely. But as a straight male you haven’t the experience we do. Do you really have the right to call us faggots, even in roleplay anymore than you would dare call someone black the N word?

But by doing BDSM and playing with theses shadows with gay men, you could trigger PSTD and flashbacks to abuse. Are you willing and actually able to support someone if this happens? Would you know to stop? How would you calm them down and support them? These are all questions you need to have answers too.  I know because I’ve played with someone who was abused, they didn’t tell me, fortunately I spotted the signs, you can read more about that here: http://blog.lordvulferam.uk/2017/03/playing-with-dark.html


Consent

Consent is a cornerstone of BDSM, most people have heard of safe, sane and consensual BDSM and most people have heard of a safework something like “red” or “pineapple” to be used when the submissive needs the Dom to stop.  However, the safeword is an absolute minimum that should be used and it doesn’t offer safey for the sub in all circumstances. Likewise a contract can be useful for discussing limits and agreeing protocols, but it is only valid at the point in time it is signed. BDSM is complex and dynamics and reactions change day to day and scene to scene.

However, sometimes a sub cannot safeword. Maybe they are high on endorphins from an intense scene, maybe something has gone wrong and triggered them to a bad place. If you only rely on the sub safewording and they cannot, you could be in a situation where you are assaulting a sub without consent and you could be subsequently reported and charged for it. You could also end up permanently hurting your sub mentally and/or physically.

As a Dom it is your job to protect your Sub, even if they cannot protect themselves. You need to decide when things are too much and stop, even if they are unable to. The responsibility is on you to check in and ensure that your sub can safeword (Do you remember your safeword? Is a good way of checking this).  You need to be proactive in looking for threats and problems and act ahead. I liken this to driving a runaway train while patting your head and rubbing your tummy.  Power over someone can be exhilarating and you can get caught up in the moment, but you need to make sure your sub is safe, you have consent and that they are enjoying it. If you are doing BDSM with a sub and not on top of all of this, you should not be doing it.


Safety

As a Dom you have responsibility for your subs safety, mentally and physically while they are playing with you.  Many in the BDSM scene spend a significant amount of time learning about the kinks they are into and how to do some safely.  With bondage as well as tying knots, there is knowledge of how to tie to avoid permanent nerve damage, how to get someone out of bondage quickly. With impact play there isn’t just hitting, beating and whipping but there is technique and practise to land blows, but to do so safely and to avoid sensitive parts of the body where organs can be damaged. I’ve seen videos of men getting kicked in appalling ways that could damage organs and cause concussion.  Ask yourself – would I be happy doing what I am doing to this man to a woman?  If not, you are going to far. If so, are you sure you are working at the right level and not being abusive.

If you have not been doing this type of learning then again, you are not experienced enough to be playing. Just because a sub wants it doesn’t mean you can do it safely and if something were to go wrong at your hands, you would be the one facing potential changes and jail if you had an injury or worse on your hands.


Sanity

Some subs want to be treated rough and badly, there are many reasons for this, some stem back to low self-esteem because of homophobia.  Some say they have no limits. This is dangerous, if they can’t articulate limits or say they have none, sooner or later you will push them too far and they will find their limits and react violently or break down. Gay men in the BDSM scene know this and know the dangers to look out for, do you have the same experience?  Do you know not to drink when doing BDSM as it affects your ability to make judgement and look after your sub


Summary

If any or all of this has put you off, then good. There is a level of gravitas and responsibility that comes from doing BDSM that all too often seems to be missing from twitter, video clips online and just for fan sites, in favour of chasing popularity and likes.  There is far far more to being a Dom than being an “Alpha” male and calling men faggots and beating them up. If you have not considered and answered all of these points, it is not a case of if things go wrong – but when.  If you got this far and still think you as a straight man want to use gay men, please think again if it is appropriate for you to have gay men submit to you. If you wish to learn more about BDSM I highly recommend BDSM 101 by Jay Wiseman as a starting point.


If you wish to ask me questions I will do my best to try and answer and help, please contact me at @ItsADerpDrone on twitter.

Saturday, 27 June 2020

Chastity is tough



When I was a Dom I had no interest in chastity.  As I was vers (well, ok bottom really) it wasn’t in my interest to keep my pack or playmates locked.  With the pack I’d sometimes put them, and myself, on a cum ban the week before a big event like Full Fetish.  But I didn’t find chastity an attractive look and when I wanted to be full of cum, having people locked didn’t help there!

A couple of years ago now I started exploring subbing more.  The pack had gone their own ways (amicably I hasten to add) and it left me free to explore.  I’d already made a conscious effort when moving to Manchester to integrate kink better into my life, but I then had the opportunity to explore submission and see how things went.

As I started to get into subbing my Master mentioned the idea of being locked and we spoke about it a fair bit.  My interest piqued as a way for it to help explore my submission.  I had a chat with a Dom lad who was into chastity and we did a scene where I was locked, it was hot.  So, after locking for a few hours for a scene, I started to lock from a few hours then building up to a day at a time.

I already had a CB6000 device from when I had subbed a long time ago, so I tried that first.  It wasn’t very comfortable so I couldn’t manage for long, it tended to pinch and was a real faff to get on, so, on suggestion from friends I then tried on a few other devices.  First was a pink holy trainer knock off from House of Denial.  This became my go to cage, and somewhat appropriate for a locked little mare.  I also got a small metal cage from Wish, b e careful if you buy these cheap cages though, I had one lock where the key got stuck and broke off. Fortunately, I was testing it on the device before I put it on!  I’ve also seen problems with the cellmate Bluetooth device, the build quality has issues – some people have had them shear and others reported problems with the waterproofing.  There are also some concerns around the app.  I finally borrowed a real holy trainer for a while, which was much easier to get on with. 

As I settled into wearing the cage more I wanted to do longer periods locked.  One of the Sirs I play with kept me locked for three months, although I struggled to stay locked overnight, often waking at 3 or 4 am trying to get hard with a severe aching in my balls. I tried a few times to get past it, but it was difficult when I had work the next day, so I came to the conclusion that I needed to unlock overnight, so I’d lock in the morning after my shower before work.  Sometimes the reality is different to the fantasy and we need to adjust things to make it work in the real world and to fit around the other aspects of our lives.

After the three months locked I took a break.  I thought that I wanted to be locked longer, but I wanted to take some time before I made the decision.  Around Christmas time I decided that I’d try and lock for a year from 1st Jan 2019.

Again, I struggled with overnight and despite a few attempts I ended up unlocking overnight.  For the first part of the year I was very good with adhering to it, but as summer came my work stress increased and that combined with some issues with the devices I was using meant that I was spending less time locked.  Given I suffer with stress at the best of times, the additional load of not being locked properly was weighing on my mind.  I was frustrated that I couldn’t live up to the goal I’d set and I was finding the combined effect of it all difficult.  In the September I decided to quit the year locked and focus on getting myself in a better place stress wise.  It’s important to consider your mental health as well as your physical health.

Regarding physical health, there doesn’t seem to be any research into the long-term health implications of chastity.  It’s important to listen to your body, if you are aching then unlock.  Likewise if there is chafing or soreness unlock and wait until it has healed to try again.  I’ve discovered that shaving every day and using vitamin e oil seems to help my skin.  I’ve got very sensitive skin and can get dry and scaly skin after shaving if I don’t moisturise.  Regarding cleaning, I unlock and clean twice a day, once in the morning and again when I shower in the evening.  Some folks find cleaning in the shower while locked enough, but I err on the side of caution and ensuring  I’m clean with my sensitive skin.

Aside from the direct physical health issues there can be with chastity, there is the impact of being locked itself.  There have been studies on the link between masturbation and the risk of prostate cancer, some of which have suggested a link between masturbation and lower risk of prostate cancer – but there isn’t a definitive answer.  I asked Prostate Cancer Research if they could point me to any information and they sent me this link:  https://www.nhs.uk/news/cancer/frequent-ejaculation-may-decrease-prostate-cancer-risk/  It is worth noting that gay and bisexual men are not at more risk of prostate cancer: https://prostatecanceruk.org/prostate-information/living-with-prostate-cancer/gay-and-bisexual-men  It’s an issue I’m very aware of because both my father and uncle have prostate cancer.  If you notice any blood in your urine, please contact your doctor – even if it’s only the once – don’t ignore it.

Now I’m starting to try being locked again, and it’s going better. I’m in a Holy Trainer v4 Nano, which is definitely better made than the House of Denial cages.  I’ve been starting to build up the time wearing and have managed to do a few days and nights at a time now.  Between the regular cleaning, daily shaving and the vitamin e oil, I seem to be getting on with it better, and I’m hopeful that I can spend more time locked than unlocked before too long. I think with chastity it’s a case of trying things and finding what works for you.

Speaking of which, there’s a number of Doms who seem very keen to set and enforce rules for subs and many subs encourage the locking up of their peers. While a large part of the appeal of chastity is about giving up and loss of control, it’s important to do this to degrees you feel comfortable with, with people you feel comfortable with.  I often wonder how many of the chastity Doms on twitter have actually locked up themselves, not that many I suspect.  It is also important if you keep a sub locked that you check in on them and support them, as you may have gathered it can be tough going and without things to keep it interesting it can get boring and loose appeal.  Try having goals or rewards at which point the sub gets to cum (it could be from prostate or ruined, you don’t actually have to let them enjoy using their cock).  But leaving a sub locked long period from the result of a twitter lockup RT and not supporting them through it isn’t fun or healthy. Needless to say, be careful who you send your keys to and keep a spare or have a plan for if they don’t return them.

I think chastity can be tough, and the tendency for a mob mentality of “lock him up and throw away the key” can put pressure on people and make it seem less accessible as a kink. But as with all kinks, it’s /your/ kink, explore it in ways that are fun for you and healthy.