Saturday, 31 October 2020

An Open Letter to Straight Doms of Gay Men

Hi there.

I’ve seen a lot of dangerous practises by straight Doms on social media and some very dubious use of language. So what you might say? You’re getting likes and followers, so the gays like it right?  BDSM is complex and there are dangers you could well be missing that put yourself and your sub at risk. I have tired calling things out and reporting dangerous videos but to no avail. So I write this to you as a conversation and I ask you to open your mind and consider what you are doing and why and reflect if it is healthy or appropriate. I will address this under a number of headings.

But first, who the hell am I to be talking to you and asking you to reflect on what you do? I’m a 37-year-old gay man in the UK who has been doing BDSM for some 20 years. I’ve travelled the UK and Europe doing BDSM and attending events and have led BDSM workshops in the UK. I still wouldn’t call myself an expert, but I’ve maybe been around the block a couple of times.  So please, listen to what I have to say, read further and reflect before you carry on using gay submissives.


The first point I want to discuss is homophobia. You may not be homophobic, I’d certainly hope not given you’re reading this.  But as a straight male you have power that gay men do not and you’ve not been through the experiences we have.  By Doming gay men you are playing with a psychological tinder box and if you think you want to continue doing it you need to reflect on why you want to Dom gay men and the impact on them. Is it for attention and likes, to gain just for fan followers, because they pay you to FinDom them? There is only one correct answer that you should be doing BDSM with gay men for, for mutual enjoyment. If there is any other reason you must stop.

Many of us have been bullied, harassed and even violently attacked for being gay. Part of the appeal of BDSM is being able to play in the shadows safely. But as a straight male you haven’t the experience we do. Do you really have the right to call us faggots, even in roleplay anymore than you would dare call someone black the N word?

But by doing BDSM and playing with theses shadows with gay men, you could trigger PSTD and flashbacks to abuse. Are you willing and actually able to support someone if this happens? Would you know to stop? How would you calm them down and support them? These are all questions you need to have answers too.  I know because I’ve played with someone who was abused, they didn’t tell me, fortunately I spotted the signs, you can read more about that here:


Consent is a cornerstone of BDSM, most people have heard of safe, sane and consensual BDSM and most people have heard of a safework something like “red” or “pineapple” to be used when the submissive needs the Dom to stop.  However, the safeword is an absolute minimum that should be used and it doesn’t offer safey for the sub in all circumstances. Likewise a contract can be useful for discussing limits and agreeing protocols, but it is only valid at the point in time it is signed. BDSM is complex and dynamics and reactions change day to day and scene to scene.

However, sometimes a sub cannot safeword. Maybe they are high on endorphins from an intense scene, maybe something has gone wrong and triggered them to a bad place. If you only rely on the sub safewording and they cannot, you could be in a situation where you are assaulting a sub without consent and you could be subsequently reported and charged for it. You could also end up permanently hurting your sub mentally and/or physically.

As a Dom it is your job to protect your Sub, even if they cannot protect themselves. You need to decide when things are too much and stop, even if they are unable to. The responsibility is on you to check in and ensure that your sub can safeword (Do you remember your safeword? Is a good way of checking this).  You need to be proactive in looking for threats and problems and act ahead. I liken this to driving a runaway train while patting your head and rubbing your tummy.  Power over someone can be exhilarating and you can get caught up in the moment, but you need to make sure your sub is safe, you have consent and that they are enjoying it. If you are doing BDSM with a sub and not on top of all of this, you should not be doing it.


As a Dom you have responsibility for your subs safety, mentally and physically while they are playing with you.  Many in the BDSM scene spend a significant amount of time learning about the kinks they are into and how to do some safely.  With bondage as well as tying knots, there is knowledge of how to tie to avoid permanent nerve damage, how to get someone out of bondage quickly. With impact play there isn’t just hitting, beating and whipping but there is technique and practise to land blows, but to do so safely and to avoid sensitive parts of the body where organs can be damaged. I’ve seen videos of men getting kicked in appalling ways that could damage organs and cause concussion.  Ask yourself – would I be happy doing what I am doing to this man to a woman?  If not, you are going to far. If so, are you sure you are working at the right level and not being abusive.

If you have not been doing this type of learning then again, you are not experienced enough to be playing. Just because a sub wants it doesn’t mean you can do it safely and if something were to go wrong at your hands, you would be the one facing potential changes and jail if you had an injury or worse on your hands.


Some subs want to be treated rough and badly, there are many reasons for this, some stem back to low self-esteem because of homophobia.  Some say they have no limits. This is dangerous, if they can’t articulate limits or say they have none, sooner or later you will push them too far and they will find their limits and react violently or break down. Gay men in the BDSM scene know this and know the dangers to look out for, do you have the same experience?  Do you know not to drink when doing BDSM as it affects your ability to make judgement and look after your sub


If any or all of this has put you off, then good. There is a level of gravitas and responsibility that comes from doing BDSM that all too often seems to be missing from twitter, video clips online and just for fan sites, in favour of chasing popularity and likes.  There is far far more to being a Dom than being an “Alpha” male and calling men faggots and beating them up. If you have not considered and answered all of these points, it is not a case of if things go wrong – but when.  If you got this far and still think you as a straight man want to use gay men, please think again if it is appropriate for you to have gay men submit to you. If you wish to learn more about BDSM I highly recommend BDSM 101 by Jay Wiseman as a starting point.

If you wish to ask me questions I will do my best to try and answer and help, please contact me at @ItsADerpDrone on twitter.